Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Planes, Trains, and Massive F*cking Slingshots

As a fat person I find it deeply satisfying and wonderful when I get both seats in the two seat row to myself. On your left you will see a Kate, sprawled across two airline seats and enjoying it like a cat enjoying a sunbeam. Today on my flight from Atlanta to DC I got just that: a two seat row all to myself and across from me isn’t even more people, it’s the galley which I consider to be something of an upgrade. Fewer people to deal with when I’m trying to disembark is always a good thing.

So I’m flying to DC and I don’t rightly know why. Someone asked me “So what brings you to DC?” and I couldn’t really answer their question. It’s hard to explain what brings me to DC. There’s this tugging feeling I get behind my ribs that keeps telling me to go, keeps telling me DC is where I’m supposed to be so, until I can relocate permanently, I decided to hop a plane  and spend some time figuring out just why I’m so drawn to a place I’ve only visited twice. Who knows?

I meant to write something about the drive to the airport. It was frantic but the fact that it was 4AM made it strangely tranquil. The whole world outside the freeway seemed to be still and silent. I remember seeing the smoke stacks and knowing that there was a sprawling city on my left: Ciudad Juarez. I knew it was there but when I glanced over all I could see was street lamps spaced with no particular order or regularity, just random. A sprawling mass of flickering yellow lights at random intervals. It looked like the city itself was holding a vigil for all the people who die there. The hardest part is knowing that the only thing that separated the people of Juarez from a life in the United States is a river and a chain link fence. They’re so close but the difference is so stark. It always catches me off guard.

So I drove to the airport and thought about how when all the windows and houses are dark it looks like the city is a sea of candles. What’s more, in the quiet and stillness it felt like the city was mine, like I was the only person in the world to see it and enjoy it and it was there for me. This obviously isn’t true but at 4:30AM, having had no sleep, a lot of things seem perfectly logical.

After watching the street lights of two different countries flicker like a sea of candles I finally got to the airport and discovered that security has been slowed down immensely. There were two huge lines all the way from the escalators back to the main lobby, a good 200 yards. Two lines full of people. And this was just downstairs. Upstairs it was a fight for your life to get through the scanners and you knew the TSA folks weren’t happy to be there that early. I managed to survive the gauntlet and boarded my plane just in time to watch a beautiful sunrise before being flung into the clouds like a marble in a slingshot. Every time I am on a plane taking off I always imagine myself like a marble in a giant slingshot.

And here I am being flung into the clouds again only to come down in the place that has been relentless in its occupation of my thoughts and emotions for the past year and a half. We’ll see what happens.
Let’s have an adventure, shall we?

PS. I'm posting this from the plane!! In the AIR!! FLYING!!!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Scared Sleepless

I went to bed at a reasonable hour (10ish) and woke up at 1AM like someone had freaking tasered me. Bolt upright, wide-eyed, coked up awake. It was weird.
All I could think was "HOLY SHIT I HAVE TO DO THINGS!!"
I rarely have anxiety attacks but when I do they're weird things. They're shifty and hard to predict. This was one of those times when I couldn't tell if I was having an anxiety attack, a hypo-manic episode, or was just generally terrified, excited, nervous, and anxious all at the same time. I knew something was off today because I started stuttering. I almost never stutter. I do not remember having one as a child or at any previous time in my life but occasionally, out of no where, I will stutter. Today I did it more than once which meant it wasn't just random but I have no idea what the real cause is.

So I woke up and turned on my light and got out of bed and went into the hall and discovered my sister was still awake. I went into her room and sat down on her bed and told her I was jumpy and couldn't sleep. So she had me bring a suitcase into her room and start packing.

Holy shitballs. It wasn't until I started packing that it finally hit me what I had done... I booked a single round trip ticket to our nation's capital to spend 12 days wandering around BY MYSELF. I set myself up to spend 12 days on my own, in a strange place, in the middle of summer. What the Hell Ass Balls was I thinking?

People sometimes think I'm brave. These people are sorely mistaken. I am terrified of everything in the world and prefer comfortable, familiar, safe things.
But maybe I'm just having an anxiety attack and I really am brave. I guess we'll find out.

Tonight I'm just sitting in my bed being so scared I can't even sleep. Go Team.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Because I can

So I have decided to undertake an adventure and randomly hop a plane to DC because I can.
Why DC? Because in all my dicking around and struggling with school and bipolar episodes and other whimsical fuckery I've lost any sense of what it is I want or am meant to do. The best I can figure is to head to the epicenter.
There are a handful of things in this world that have acted as catalysts in changing my life and right now the majority of them are either beyond my reach (as in they're dead) or they're in our nation's capitol. I'm viewing this trip as less a sightseeing lark and more a pilgrimage to my Mecca. Mind you, it will be a pilgrimage full of random adventures and silliness but I'm hoping that in getting away from what I'm supposed to be and people who know me and expect certain behaviors or actions from me that I will get to remember who and what I am and want to be without the input and opinions of others clouding my head.
I hope.

In any case I plan on having lots of fun and seeing people whom I love very much and rarely get to see.