Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Scared Sleepless

I went to bed at a reasonable hour (10ish) and woke up at 1AM like someone had freaking tasered me. Bolt upright, wide-eyed, coked up awake. It was weird.
All I could think was "HOLY SHIT I HAVE TO DO THINGS!!"
I rarely have anxiety attacks but when I do they're weird things. They're shifty and hard to predict. This was one of those times when I couldn't tell if I was having an anxiety attack, a hypo-manic episode, or was just generally terrified, excited, nervous, and anxious all at the same time. I knew something was off today because I started stuttering. I almost never stutter. I do not remember having one as a child or at any previous time in my life but occasionally, out of no where, I will stutter. Today I did it more than once which meant it wasn't just random but I have no idea what the real cause is.

So I woke up and turned on my light and got out of bed and went into the hall and discovered my sister was still awake. I went into her room and sat down on her bed and told her I was jumpy and couldn't sleep. So she had me bring a suitcase into her room and start packing.

Holy shitballs. It wasn't until I started packing that it finally hit me what I had done... I booked a single round trip ticket to our nation's capital to spend 12 days wandering around BY MYSELF. I set myself up to spend 12 days on my own, in a strange place, in the middle of summer. What the Hell Ass Balls was I thinking?

People sometimes think I'm brave. These people are sorely mistaken. I am terrified of everything in the world and prefer comfortable, familiar, safe things.
But maybe I'm just having an anxiety attack and I really am brave. I guess we'll find out.

Tonight I'm just sitting in my bed being so scared I can't even sleep. Go Team.

1 comment:

  1. The best trips are the ones where we say "shit shit shit". Before we go, we're saying it scared; and when we get there, it's because we rock.